Left Field Leftovers

The Return of the Budgie Smuggler

2008-04-09T17:58:00.000-07:00

As a keen sports fan I delighted in the recent Olympic swimming trials that received a fair media flogging over the last few weeks. Mind you I never actually saw a live race on the idiot box, just observed the media reports. Part of my delight was certainly fulfilled by the statistical side, world records were being brought down left, right and centre. And then the joy suddenly disappeared when it was revealed that the success was partly due to some new space age design swimsuit that, by the sounds of it, was powered by a 40 horse two stroke outboard.

While that is partial bollocks, I don’t quite feel the same euphoria when I hear of some technical advantage that one competitor has over another, especially when it is helping break world records. It is a big call to say the swimsuits in question have that much of an effect but I don’t think it can be put down to pure coincidence that the Aussies have smashed a heap of records.

Swimmers are certainly far more professional than ever before but swimming records just don’t seem to be lasting any sort of distance. For example the longest lasting men’s world record is currently Grant Hackett’s 1500m swim in 2001. Everything else has been broken since. In fact the progression of world records in all forms of swimming over the years is quite disturbing. To highlight just a few:

The 50m Mens Freestyle

(broken 24 times over 32 years)
23.86 Jonty Skinner August 14, 1976
21.50 Alain Bernard March 23, 2008
21.28 Eamon Sullivan March 28, 2008

2.5 seconds over such as short race in 32 years is pretty crazy in my opinion. US swimmer Gary Hall Jr may be a self absorbed wanker (just look at his website) but he is right in querying Sullivan’s emphatic rise. 0.22 of a second may seem like nothing, but over a 50m race which is far from short of serious competition, it’s pretty much massive. Funnily enough, the women are now only just behind Skinner’s 1976 record.

The 200m Women’s Freestyle
2:11.60 Dawn Fraser 27 February 1960
1:55.52 Laure Manaudou 28 March 2007

Dawn Fraser was arguably one of Australia’s greatest ever swimmers but the 16 second time difference between her 1960 record and today’s current mark leaves me wondering if Australia’s most famous lesbian really deserves all the accolades she received.

The 100m Men’s Freestyle
1:05.80 Zoltán Halmay 3 December 1905
0:47.50 Alain Bernard 22 March 2008

This is one race where the stats go back a long way, 100+ years in fact. The difference is astounding. 18 seconds over what is a pretty short race. Perhaps modesty was the factor, no doubt early 20th century swimming costumes were more likely to resemble the parachute braking system on a NASA space shuttle than anything we would today associate with the sport. Nevertheless, the world record times at the turn of the century make me feel that Eric the Eel was not so crap after all but simply a swimmer from another era.

The Problem with the Sport
I guess my beef with seeing records fall so often is it’s becoming harder to gauge who the real champions of the sport are. Swimming to me is pretty boring if records aren’t being beaten. There’s something about a swimmer having a crack at that imaginary world record line that makes it so much more interesting than simply winning. It becomes especially important when an athlete is so dominant that the rest of the competition is only there to make it an official “race”. But swimming’s incessant thirst for world records is causing two major problems as I see it: Drugs and those bloody swimsuits.

Drugs are probably the hotter of the two issues and I think it would be stupid to suggest our own swimmers are fully clean. Too many world records have fallen in too short a time and I don’t think FINA have full control of the issue. Nevertheless, all athletes shall be presumed innocent until otherwise found guilty, although the same can not be said for the aforementioned swimsuits. According to this article:

“…the suit can reduce a swimmers drag in the water by five percent. It has no stitches and instead has welded seams and specially taped edges. The suit is made of a special material that does not absorb liquids, which makes the swimmer lighter in the water, and it incorporates a special girdle-like design that pulls an athlete into optimal swimming position.”

Hmm....with this kind of technical development it only seems time before Speedo develop a so called “Jesus” suit, allowing competitors to run the length of the pool rather than swim.

My main issue with these suits is indeed the smashing of records. Thorpe’s long johns were controversial enough when he pulled them on in 2000. There’s no doubt his talent alone was good enough for a world record. His domination of the 400m freestyle can’t be put down to just his black seal suit. However, it raises the question “if Thorpie had one of these new suits, how fast could he have gone?” I guess when we consider the performances of former champions such as Fraser, the question may well be “if she had a team of coaches, dieticians, physios, psychologists and a few squillion dollars, how fast might she have gone?”

The whole point of this rant is, as dumb as this sounds, that it is becoming too easy to become a world champion of the sport. So, my suggestion? Do away with the crazy suits. Here are two replacement solutions which I reckon could be a goer.

A lesson from the Greeks
Nudity was apparently the thing to do in Ancient Greece and no more so than in the sporting arena. Their original Olympic games were pretty much a gay male nude fest apart from the chariot races. Why chariot races were clothed I don’t know, I guess an exposed twanger would not fair too well in a crash. If you want a clean sport with absolutely no technical advantage then completely nude is the way to go. Men and women would then be left to combat their natural drag, not by covering exposed areas with skin tight lycra but instead by paddling their arms that much faster. I dare say the added resistance would add a second or two on any world record.

A place for Budgie Smugglers and Bikinis
Option two is much more sane and family friendly. While I’m no fan of the budgie smuggler, I have far more respect for swimmers who wear them than any full length body suit. The budgie smuggler is the final step before exposure and gives minimum advantage over the nude option. Women could wear bikinis instead. I’m not opposed to the original one piece either for modesty reasons but the bikini provides the least advantage over one’s natural assets.

Whether these things have ever been considered by FINA I don’t know. Sure if everyone has the suit then you have an even playing field. But technical advantage in the pool should not deprive those former greats who have earned their world record through sheer hard work. I guess one day we will reach saturation point where records cannot be broken as easily. But that wont be before further seconds are shaved off what are already some pretty awesome times.

Heading toward Beijing

America vs Australia vs China
Everyone expects the major swim battles to be between Australia and the Americans. However, I’ll throw another hat into the ring on this one: China. With the Chinese controlling the Olympics as such, there is no doubt this country with a dodgy drugs record will be able to do things their way. One just has to think back to the 1994 world championships where their doped up women snagged 12 of the available 16 golds. Funnily enough the men failed to crack it for a single medal which really makes you wonder what the hell they were on.

The D’Arcy Debacle
As for Nick D’Arcy, I think the man deserves some credit. He’s smashed two Australian sporting stars, leaving former swimmer Simon Cowley with a broken jaw, fractured eye socket, missing teeth and a titanium plate. I think the guys got some passion - perhaps directed the wrong way, perhaps not. There are too many “clean” wieners in the Australian camp. Ian Thorpe was one great swimmer but the only major out of the pool controversy he ever produced was speculation over his sexual orientation. I think you need a guy like D’Arcy to protect the more delicate team members from the Americans. Fair dinkum, the American’s may want to smash us like guitars but not before D’Arcy has smashed their faces to a pulp.

Our Women
Libby Trickett, as she now likes to be called, is one very scary woman. Having watched a recent autumn edition of Burke’s Backyard it was evident she has bigger guns than her husband, not to mention a larger physique that the steroid abusing Eastern German women’s swim team from the 70s and 80s. The only thing she lacks at the moment is facial hair and a set of jats crackers. While I see this as an ugly and anti-feminine part of the sport, if you want to compete then I guess that’s what you need to do.

Fortunately the swimming world is not made up entirely of atheletes in the mould of Trickett. However, it seems female athletes hit an age barrier whereby their ability to stay competitive and break records is dependent on muscle bulk. Just look at any of the teenage up-and-comers in women's swimming and you'll see the difference.

And that my friends is swimming. I'll leave you with some golden footage of Eric the Eel.

The Real Beauty of Tennis

2008-01-16T03:23:00.000-08:00

January is a pretty good month for those who love sports of the ball hitting variety. Tennis and cricket make for some pleasant lazy days in front of the box snuggled up to a bag of chips and a few frothies. This year I am taking my sports viewing to a new level by making it courtside to the Australian Open.

I can’t say I am the hugest tennis fan but in recent years my passion has been to see one thing - Rafael Nadal lose. There are two major things wrong with Nadal. First is his stupid muscle tops. The man does indeed have well sculpted biceps but that doesn’t justify defying years and years of tradition in order to put these on display. Secondly, his shorts. Another traditional point but I am not a fan of the long short. Past the knee is a fashion disaster yet Rafael seems to laugh at the days when the stubby could be worn in public without drawing attention to oneself. I thought maybe the muscle top was worn for cooling purposes but that would have justified a shorter short. Yes, if Nadal’s excuse was to keep cool he would have done himself a favour and brought a pair of John McEnroe’s Wimbledon winners out of retirement. Thus one can only conclude Nadal is a poser for the cameras. Sure the ladies love him but he is quickly eroding the image of men’s tennis. What’s worse is that others seem to be following in his footsteps which means similar stupid fashion antics for years to come. I also wish he’d cut his bloody hair. Those greasy locks are deeply upsetting.

However, Nadal’s oozing of apparent sex appeal in order to make up for lack of ability (that’s right, you’re number 2 buddy) is no different to what has been going on in women’s tennis for years. As a male I have no qualms (and recognise the hypocrisy) with that because I simply do not watch women’s tennis for a good match. Apologies in advance to women and women’s tennis but your sport is largely boring. Don’t get me wrong, there are some really good elements to the game and women’s tennis players are all fine athletes. But generally I categorise women’s tennis as follows: The battle of the beautiful or an Amazonian slog fest. Hence any match involving Kournikova in her day was always going to win out over a match involving let’s say Amelie Mauresmo or Venus Williams. If I wanted to see a game involving brute force I’d just watch the men’s tennis and see it done even better amongst the lowly ranks.

Once upon a time, I believe, there were definitely some good elements to the women’s game. Finesse, technical correction and well crafted points apparently made it decent to watch. That’s not to say it’s gone but I think the Amazonians are doing their best to destroy it. Martina Hingis was one player who displayed a more traditional approach until her recent foray into the world of narcotics. Justine Henin is certainly no butch assassin by any stretch of the imagination and she sits at number 1 so it’s not all gone. But the general trend at the top of women’s tennis, I feel, is very unladylike.

Nevertheless, I am keen to experience tennis from a new perspective as I travel to Melbourne tomorrow. However, at this stage the Maria Kirilenko match still has far more appeal than anything else I have seen on the draw. No doubt with a 5 male contingent I will have plenty of time to gain a greater appreciation of the female game.

So until next time, go Federer!

Christmas Leftovers

2007-12-29T18:25:00.000-08:00

Seasons greetings readers, albeit a few days late. Christmas may have come and gone but the blog continues so sit back, read and hopefully enjoy.

Canary Yellow? That’s Australian Gold my Friend.
Thursday the 20th Dec was some sort of day. Sunshine, hot weather, four sandwiches filled with Christmas ham, and a free seat at the cricket. Just one thing was missing. As my eyes glanced across the vast grassy plain that is Bellerive Oval my brain seemed to be working overtime to distinguish the difference in apparel between the batsman and fielders. “You need glasses” some might be saying but no. It was a combination of two things. (a) the lengthy distance from wicket to seat and (b) the ugly green uniforms of the two Australian batsmen occupying the crease being too dark to differentiate from those worn by the sheep…..uh.…New Zealanders.

Now according to the Cricket Australia website the change to the green is meant to best represent the colours of the traditional Baggy Green which is synonymous with Australian cricket. True, the baggy green is an icon of the game. However, when I think of one day cricket my mind drifts back to the 80s where I am reminded of superstars like Big Merv testing the limits of his skin tight canary yellow shirt, entertaining the crowd through a series of stretches. And when VB decided to bring out their Boonie t-shirts, what colour did they choose? None other than Australian gold.

Therefore, the decision to switch the colours this year is, in my mind, stupid. As explained it is a visual nightmare from a distance, looks crap and has left millions of fans with outdated yellow shirts. Sure there have been subtle differences over the years (I think there has also been a crap grey one for one series) but a complete colour change is not warranted. So, Cricket Australia, truly think about the fans next year and restore your faith in the Australian gold.

By the way, next year I am tipping VB to bring out a summer of Merv.

Autograph Hunters
It was interesting watching the boundary fielders’ interaction with young autograph hunters as well. One poor kid in our stand tried for a good half an hour to get the attention of Australia’s James Hopes. Every effort was ignored, Hopes eyes were clearly fixed on the game as he fielded 5 to 10 metres short of the boundary. However a change of field put Hopes right on the boundary, 30 metres down field, amongst a mob of young autograph hunters. Hopes made every effort to fulfil their wishes which left our poor youngster disillusioned and suicidal. Ok that’s a lie.

However, it did remind me of my own autograph seeking adventures as a youngster. It was a fine sunny day at Bellerive as we watched Australia put the Kiwis to shame. It was in the days before mobile phones were popular and one Shane Warne was fielding on the fence. It was his signature that this young cricket tragic sought but Warnie did not deliver. Our pleas were ignored, leaving a permanent mental scar that would never be erased despite the numerous other autographs we accumulated that day. That’s also a lie.

Despite our unsuccess it reminds me of contrasting autograph seeking adventure involving Greg Matthews during a Tas vs NSW game. Mo bent over backwards to meet spectator demands as he spent a good afternoon fielding at deep square leg signing autographs and chatting to various women. No concern for the game but the fans were satisfied nonetheless. Those were the days.

Christmas Ham

There is no better food in my opinion than the humble Christmas ham. Versatile, it can be eaten as a snack, put in sandwiches, eaten as the meat portion of a main course or used in a variety of ham involving recipes. A recent Mercury article spoke of the cruelty the ham tradition inflicts upon the pig community. In my opinion, eating ham is a great Christian privilege and demonstrates the power of Christ to erase uncleanliness (ie pork being un-kosher in Jewish society). That is a possible explanation for the Christmas ham tradition although it is more probable it’s just because we like to make fat asses of ourselves.

However, the ham in our household ran out a bit early this year, much to my disappointment. The ham purchaser decided on smaller portions this year which meant it was finished by Boxing Day. There are few things better than getting the ham from the fridge, slicing a good chunk off, placing a few bits on the bread and consuming. Ham in abundance is a great thing but when the ham is gone it is a difficult time. I am now resigned to the fact it will be another year before the ham makes a triumphant return to the household. However, I shall insist on being a member of next Christmas’ ham selection committee to ensure we are still eating it on new years.

Crap Ads
Sitting down and watching cricket has also made me realise how crap some ads are. I really haven’t watched TV in a while as most shows I watch I just download. Hence I haven’t seen a lot of ads in recent times. At the moment I really am annoyed with the Ford cricket ads involving a selection of Australian cricket players. I am not sure if they are trying to be funny because quite simply they are not. Matthew Hayden’s impersonation of Richie Benaud is nothing short of pathetic. There have been about 3 or 4 ads in the series I have seen and seriously, the script writers deserve to be shot.

However, it also brings up the idea that perhaps that is the point of the ads. The ads I loathe so much I also remember because I cringe everytime I see them. That uncomfortable feeling seems to last beyond the 30 second slot and hence I am now writing and in a sense advertising the Ford name all over again. So it’s a win for Ford. While that may be the case, it does not help me associate the Ford name with anything good as my reasoning now goes something like “they make crap ads so I bet their cars are shithouse”. Also Henry Ford was a damn Nazi but that’s a story for another day.

The Scubaru
Two trips to the central highlands, two breakdowns, two times the RACT have been called, but two different endings. The first breakdown happened a fortnight ago when venturing to Great Lake on a Monday arvo. A radiator hose burst about 15 minutes from said destination resulting in the Subaru being towed home. Then, on Thursday, about 5 minutes from the lake, another radiator hose burst. This time we crawled in to the lake after a bit of a patch up job, went fishing, and called the RACT. However, the two truck dude had some radiator hose with him which got us home.

If you don’t have RACT you should and if you do then you should be on Ultimate cover. Stuff like this would cost an absolute fortune otherwise. The tow truck driver told a story of a Porsche driver on standard cover. The RACT give the towing company something like $3.50/km so you can imagine the damage. The moral of that story is that if you rich are enough to buy a Porsche you have no need to be a tight arse and can afford the $134 for Ultimate. Alternatively if you can afford a Porsche no doubt you can afford to pay for a tow….. Still, I would prefer option 1.

Anyway they are pretty much my December/Christmas happenings/gripings, Westfield Chermside was another (happening) but that could be a blog in itself. Until next time, happy new year.

Vote now for the Black Death awaits you!

2007-11-20T02:40:00.000-08:00

Three years have passed since the last federal election which means us Australians over the age of 18 are off to the polling booths this weekend. Many of these people, including myself, bemoan the fact that 15 minutes of the weekend will be lost participating in the democratic process. However, it is a privilege to do this, and far better than having to assassinate a bloodthirsty dictator in order to change government. So, in order to make best use of this privilege this is my how to vote card for the Franklin electorate.

1. GOODWIN, Vanessa (Liberal)
I like Vanessa and far more than when she was running for state parliament last year. Why? She obviously wants to be a politician. One campaign is pretty tough to get through, financially and emotionally. She lost but is back for more which shows her fighting spirit and eagerness to represent Tasmanians. It’s a fair process just to get this far and she’s fought all the way. If she were a racehorse I’d fancy her in the Melbourne Cup. She’s a stayer who I reckon will last the distance in Australian politics.

As for Liberal policies its neither here nor there for me. John Howard or Kevin Rudd makes no difference. Same shit, slightly different packaging. But if you want a decent, intelligent candidate who is concerned for the Franklin electorate (ala Harry Quick) then Goodwin is the go.

Check out her website here.

2. HONEY, Roger (Citizens Electoral Council)

“Are you mad?” the readers ask. Well, slightly. Remember you can’t place in the race for House of Reps. Only ONE candidate will be elected. So the rest of your vote means diddly squat if you've already voted for a biggie with the first choice. It ends up being a Liberal/Labor fight anyway as preferences come into play. Hence we go for the party with the best advertising and most outrageous claims. And that party is the Citizens Electoral Council. I love receiving their newspaper newsletter thingy and reading about our impending descent into the New Dark Age. Concerning the Federal Government’s Aboriginal intervention, the pre-election edition of their newspaper The New Citizen reported:

All of the chief points of this intervention were planned out years, even a decade ago, including: abolition of the permit system to enter Aboriginal land; the establishment of “property rights” through 99-year leases; and the excuse of “sexual abuse” itself. These are being suddenly rammed through now because of the onset of the worst global financial crash in history, comparable only to the Dark Age of 14th Century Europe, when the collapse of the usurious, Venetian- controlled international monetary system resulted in the deaths of one-third to one-half of the population of Europe.

Forget the history books, ignore the Black Death, it was those fucking Venetians all along! Thank goodness for the Citizens Electoral Council for clearing that one up. I will now erase from my memory everything I learned at University in Michael Bennett’s course on Late Medieval Europe. And yes, the Great Wall of China is one bloody massive rabbit fence.

3. COLLINS, Julie (Labor)
The 2nd vote which doesn’t count so who better to waste it on than Labor’s 2nd string poster girl Julie Collins. She’s probably very nice but in the harsh world of politics the mouth is where it matters. And I’ve heard nothing from her. Propelled to the candidacy after Kevin Harkins brief and not so quiet stint in politics, Collins has eeked boredom from day one. She reminds me of Paula Wriedt, another mind-numbingingly straight laced family woman who is yet to make a dent on politics. What perturbs me most is that she doesn’t seem to have wanted the candidacy in the first place. Harry Quick was vocal in his opposition of union thug Harkins while Collins sat in the distance not uttering a peep. Call it loyalty, I call it crap.

4. VELNAAR, Gerard (The Greens)
If the Greens had a platform which simply involved the environment without getting mixed with queers they would gain my vote. What do I want more….No pulp mill, more trees and queers adopting kids or a pulp mill, a few less trees and mum and dad with a people mover and their 2.3 kids? I’ll take option 2 thanks for the good of society.

5. PAPICCIO, Gino (Family First)
Father of kids I went to school with? No threat to Goodwin or Collins. If I cared I might vote as my number 2 but as I have argued it means nothing.

6. HOLLOWAY, Matt (Socialist Alliance)
You bastards get no 6 for bugging me in order to sell your newspaper at uni. Take notice of the Citizens Electoral Council who will get my number 2. Do it by post and do it free.

The Senate
You can figure that one out yourselves but remember this. Either vote 1 at the top or number all the bloody boxes. I think the party which will best represent me in Tasmania is What Women Want. Did anyone tell them that half the people in Tasmania have penises?

Still not convinced? Try this little ripper. news.com.au have a neat little vote-a-matic system which may help. According to the system I should be voting Labor but I want The Smirk to be my pm.

http://www.news.com.au/feature/0,,5012863,00.html

And that my friends is how we vote.

Is it Genius or Sheer Madness?

2007-11-02T00:45:00.001-07:00

=IF(J1591="","",IF(AND(B1591="H",D1591="H",F1591="H"),1,IF(AND(B1591="M",D1591="M",F1591="M"),1,"")))

That’s a short sample of what’s involved with the Trifecta Eliminator. Multiply that by about 300000 and you’re getting closer to the number of formulae it contains. I originally started it using the Open Office spreadsheet which was a big mistake. Open Office couldn’t handle it, fortunately Excel can, just. I’m sure there must an easier way to do it rather than endless numbers of IF statements, but not being an Excel genius means this is good as it gets.

Anyway, the thrill of last year’s success brought me to the law Library on Wednesday. Having dusted off microfilm boxes from the 60s, I’m happy to report another chapter of the Trifecta Eliminator is near completion. Form data is probably the last bit of info that I can be bothered adding to the program before its 2nd run on Tuesday. I spent a good five hours reading the form guide of the Age newspapers from 1966 onwards but it did yield some positive results. In fact on initial results, pretty much 3000 of the 12144 possible combinations can be eliminated straight up with what I found out. I’m assuming it will heavily overlap with other combinations already eliminated but it’s a good start.

Form aside, the program has also been updated to include the 8 mysterious combinations that were missing from last year’s program. Fortunately they all involved Efficient which was scratched on Cup morning. That was a few hours solid work as the error was through everything, but it’s all sweet now.

Did you know the Age newspaper cost a few cents and was only 20 odd pages back in the 60s? A far cry from the monstrosity it has become.

Dummies guide to backing a winner if you decide to back a horse this year, make sure its odds are no greater than 16-1 for the win. In the last 30 years or so only 1 horse has made a liar of that rule. Through the 140 something years of cup history it’s happened about 26 times (17%) so perhaps its overdue, but I think the recent history of the sport is a more accurate guide. That’s just one of the stats I will use to guide the process this year.

Until cup eve I leave you with probably the greatest horse racing victory of the 21st century. Makybe Diva with 58 kilos of jockey and weights attached to its back, blitzing the field in the final 100 metres for its third cup in a row.

Let’s go place some money on the order of the horses

2007-10-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

Yes its pretty much that time again, the time of the year where if you tune into the telebox on a Saturday afternoon you’re likely to see midgets in pyjamas riding atop sleek and powerful thoroughbreds as they gallop round a grassy track. Indeed, it’s the Spring Carnival of horse racing in Australia, an annual period which sees punters blow countless squillions for a chance to strike it big.

While many bemoan the wasted money that this sport attracts, quite frankly it would hardly be a sport without it. Money is the only thing that keeps horse racing going. It’s what makes it so exciting to watch. Take that gambling away and the interest wanes pretty quickly. Its no AFL or soccer, it can't be sustained without gambling.

This was something I learned during my high school years when my mum would buy me a ticket in the sweep at her golf club’s annual Melbourne Cup day event. My interest in previous years was pretty much nil but put a few bucks on the line and I was glued to the box (or wireless). One year in particular which I think really sparked my interest was the 2000 Cup. Thinking I had a different horse on my sweep ticket, I remember cursing Brew as it cruised to victory. The cursing later turned to celebration as a congratulatory phone call from mum confirmed Brew was my horse and I was $20 richer.

For some reason school seemed to encourage this interest in the race and I remember annual cup discussions with class mates during my last 4 years at Calvin. In fact I even remember using the pencil case to smuggle the walkman in so as to get the call of the race live.

I guess this is the background to my interest in the cup and what lead to two weeks of extensive research on cup history last year. Those two weeks produced one hell of a spreadsheet, a few thousand if statements and the joy of collecting a few hundred bucks from the tote. Over the next week and a bit I’ll be renewing my acquaintance with the microfilm readers at the uni library in order to fit in what I hope will be the final piece of the cup puzzle, something that will further build on the success of the Trifecta Eliminator of last year.

So if you’re into horsies and colourful midgets with really high voices, watch this space as the plan unfolds. I leave thee with last year’s joyous race.

*while I’m not fond of the damage gambling can cause, I see this as calculated risk, much like playing the stockmarket. The trifecta eliminator is a highly researched piece of software designed to eliminate unlikely combinations which the uniformed punter might bet on.

Go saws me a tree, I gotsd some pulping to do.

2007-10-08T08:29:00.000-07:00

While being a parochial southerner who despises that greedy football thieving, “we think were the capital of Tasmania” believing, ugly smog hole of a town called Launceston (*note extreme bitterness and over-exaggeration), I kind of feel sorry for them and the people of the Tamar Valley right now. The approved pulp mill may well have little environmental impact at all but it’s too hard to gauge at this point in time. While I believe that Tasmania is well placed to produce pulp and that its is a bit stupid to just chip trees and send them overseas, I also feel that if we are going to get involved then it should be absolutely top notch. I don’t believe that anyone involved in this project can honestly say this is the best pulp mill we could have produced. It may well be the more profitable but that’s nowhere near good enough in my opinion.

The Mercury actually ran a decent article a couple months back on the proposed Penola Pulp Mill in South Australia. I was quite astounded. Now I’m not saying the South Australian model is the most absolutely awesome thing ever and without fault, but it’s hard to not like a mill that is (a) closed loop so it recycles and reuses all of its waste water, (b) uses mechanical pulping meaning few chemicals are used, and (c) bleaches the pulp with hydrogen peroxide (H2O2) which is then broken down into water and salt. From what I read this doesn’t produce the super grade nice white paper we all know and love but it is certainly a profitable market. The wood used in this model is our very own Eucalyptus Globulus, aka Tasmanian Blue Gum (although grown on the mainland). Not sure if that’s what is in most of our renewable forests but seeing as it comes from here there must be a fair bit of it lying around (or standing upright).

Here’s a few notes in my mental collection concerning the Gunns’ model.

A few years ago, when Gunns were floating the idea around, John Gay was pretty keen on a chlorine free mill. Even the Greens were pretty happy with the initial suggestion. In fact I’d say it was about as close or as amicable as Gunns and the Green’s have ever been toward each other. The version we're getting uses chorine dioxide in the pulping process which produces top notch paper but is an environmental hazard if not dealt with properly. While I’m hoping we're not as incompetent as some of the world’s other pulp producers, mistakes happen.

The Gunns mill will use a heap of water. It recycles more than the average mill but nothing close to the Penola model.* While they don't simply flush their dirty, untreated waste water into the sea, its been acknowledged that there will probably be some small amounts of nasties in the water, which is a bit of a concern. This is emphasised again as no one seems to have any idea as to what the impact will be. The use of huge quantities of water and wastefulness is concerning seeing as with the current climate predicament no one is even sure whether regular water can be guaranteed.

What I really hate is that the electricity used for mill is to be produced by burning woodchips. In a time where there is concern over the production of CO2 and its association with global warming, it seems absolutely horrendous that they would go and burn woodchips. Perhaps it’s no worse than coal but I think it’s hypocritical for the government to tell Launcestonians to convert to electric heaters and then turn around and approve the construction of a freaking huge wood heater next door.

What I hate just as much is Big Red and his cronies sending pamphlets around saying there will be an extra $800 or so in our pockets each year because of the mill. C’mon now, are we really that stupid? Probably but it just smells like piss poor electioneering. Sure it could very well work out for the share holders but the average schmo will probably feel little to no benefit. If I notice an $800 benefit when this mill comes on line I will eat my words.

So there, I present another rant, another expression of my hippy, tree hugging and biased opinion as previously evidenced here. I don’t think the fight is over yet, the Franklin Dam was approved before the environmentalists won through. Will I vote Green at this election? There’s as much chance of that happening as there is of Bob Brown making passionate love with Peg Putt. However, I hope that if it does go ahead, it turns out good and that my ranting is just another load of environmentalist propaganda.

Call of the week
I confirmed for a caller that rapper 50 cent’s son is nicknamed 25 cent. If 25 cent makes a name for himself I don’t think his kid will be nicknamed 12 and a half cent seeing as it’s (a) verbally too long (b) not an actual US coin (c) kind of lame.

OC Season 4
This week saw me buy Season 4 of the OC at the Big W while it was on special. I was however overcharged by about $2 although I’m still weighing up whether it is worthwhile returning to correct this terrible injustice. This purchase was very timely as I had just watched up to the end of season 3. It’s remarkable how watchable the series is second time round. I found season 4 to be more far more comedic than dramatic when I watched it last time. It felt like the writers threw too many funny characters in the mix. Still, its enjoyable television and fills in the long weekly wait for more Prison Break episodes.

So, til next time, cheerio cobbers.

*factual untruths later edited to avoid Big Red and Mr Gay sending heavies to my house

Death by Winter but Spring has Sprung.

2007-09-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

Wow, the months keep flying by and here we are in Septopia as some tools from the AFL are calling it. September or Septopia, it doesn't really matter cos there is only one day that does, the last Saturday of the month. The day when the Southern Saints take on the Launceston Reformers(?) at the real home of Aussie Rules in Tasmania, North Hobart Oval. Apparently the AFL grand final is also played on the same day, who would have thought?

Anyways a lot has happened in the few months I’ve been out of the blogging scene, but here are a few of the highlights/more interesting stuff that’s been going on in my world:

I Quit Uni - Decided teaching wasn’t for me. It requires more than an appreciation for long holidays.

Joined the Doll Queue – Yes this was fun for three weeks. I found out the government make the process for receiving the doll so tedious that you quickly gain motivation to find employment. While employment agencies do their best to get you employment contacts, you could probably find just as many in the underworld amongst their clientele.

Found a Job – Left the doll queue and my underworld associates and began working in a southern Tasmanian call centre. The calls I take are to do with directory assistance and finding information on the internet for customers. Its not a bad job although it does have weird hours. Some of the more interesting calls/callers have so far have included:
- The drunk lady the other night who wanted to speak to the Pope and didn’t mind spending 5 minutes on hold while I faffed about, failing to find a number for the Vatican
- The dude who abused the crap out of me because I asked him to spell “Edithvale”. If you didn’t have such a bogan/Australian occer accent I would have got it the first time prick!
- The American who I assisted in de-regionising his DVD player.
- “Club Ringwood”. If anyone knows where this newly opened club is and its associated phone number let me know.
- The many embarrassed brothel callers who have hung up because the search was taking longer than 30 seconds. Sex denied!

So I guess that’s the long and short of it. Here’s some other stuff that’s happened:

Joined Facebook – like the squillions before me, I’ve given into temptation and joined this 21st century craze. From my observations Facebook appears to be growing in plague proportions while Myspace is dying a slow death. I like the former more at the moment. So feel free to add me if I/you haven't already.

Been writing more music – yes, Siberian Heat Police have been cranking out tunes left right and centre. Well, not quite, but I have put a new song up. Give it a listen and let your eardrums bleed!

www.myspace.com/siberianheatpolice

Nothing burns like an 1830s building and a massive pile of consumer crap.

So kiddies, might try and make blogging a more regular feature now I am free of Uni/teaching related stress. Til next time, Rob.

Heed the warning you great musicians, stay out of the water.

2007-05-29T06:49:00.000-07:00

On this night ten years ago, one of the 90s greatest musicians drowned in the Mississippi. For those who really have no clue where I’m going with this, the musician was Jeff Buckley. For those who have no idea who Jeff Buckley is and/or have no clue as to what is his legacy to the music world, I have one word: Grace.

Grace is by far the greatest album I have ever had the pleasure of listening to. While that’s my own opinion, Australians currently hold it as their number two favourite record according to that show on the ABC last year. So, its held in pretty high regard.

When we talk of Jeff Buckley, most people quickly recognise his version of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’. Personally I think it kicks shit over Cohen’s version. While Jeff Buckley did a number of covers, the one thing he did was improve upon what had been done before. He felt the music and interpreted it brilliantly. The same can’t be said for most of the crap we hear today. Singers like Michael Buble piss me off because they don’t improve upon what’s already been done. They don’t offer a new spin on an old song and when they try to, there is no feeling to it. Its just some jazzed up piece of crap that fades into oblivion as quickly as it arrived. The whole reason they’re in it is for the dollars. So, in my opinion, Buckley provides a precedent for covering other people’s stuff: If you’re going to do it, do it bloody well.

Of course, Buckley was far more than just one song, there were nine other gems on Grace and, if like me you’ve got a newer copy, quite possibly ten. ‘Mojo Pin’, ‘Forget Her’ and ‘So Real’ are just some of the stand outs although the whole album works together so brilliantly. Grace wasn’t Buckley’s only achievement although it was the only one he completed. Before his death he was working on an album titled My Sweetheart the Drunk. The incomplete work as well as a variety of B-sides were released posthumously as a two-disc album. This also has a number of highlights although it differs considerably from Grace.

Funnily enough, Grace seems to have grown in popularity after Buckley’s death. While it was critically acclaimed during his lifetime, it appears his death provided a new enthusiasm for his music. I am a post-death fan which is sad because there is no artist I would have wanted to see more. Seriously, I’ve had dreams I was at a Buckley gig. I’m yet to have the same experience for Bright Eyes although I sense it is only time.

So if you haven’t heard of Jeff Buckley or haven’t listened to his music, do yourself a favour and buy it. Its usually around $10 in most cd stores, quite possibly the greatest $10 you will ever spend. If you hate Jeff Buckley then you are my enemy…ha, only joking, we can still be friends but I will try and convert you heathen!

As for now, in this time of remembrance, here are some awesome Jeff Buckley clips from the vault…

His cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’. Brilliant.

My personal favourite, ‘Forget Her’. Quite possibly the saddest song I’ve heard. This is a bonus track on the new versions of ‘Grace’. According to rumour it was a bit too true for Jeff at the time the album was released so it didn’t initially make the cut.

‘Mojo Pin’ from the Live in Chicago DVD. A must for any Buckley fan.

‘Every Body Here Wants You’. One of the songs from Sketches, released after his death. Very sultry.

If you want to know more about Jeff Buckley, I guide you to the almighty wikipedia.

Green's a go but the revhead's asleep on the couch.

2007-05-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

Yes it been a while between drinks, teaching prac is the reason for that. However, between lesson plans and sleep, I have found sufficient time for procrastination and the delivery of this rather lengthy take on the world of Formula 1 racing. Apologies to those of the non sporting variety but until next week this is all I've got. Scroll to the bottom for more excitement...

Motor racing is one of those sports I find ranges between mildly entertaining and extraordinarily boring. I don’t watch it as an avid fan, I don’t have much appreciation for the skills the elite drivers possess, and I find it a struggle to sit down and watch a full race. While many Australians see the Bathurst 1000 as the greatest race in the country, I fail to see why the race has to be 161 laps rather than say, 10.

Now this boredom issue can go for any sport. For instance some people believe AFL is boring. I’ve heard many comments relating to cricket and, golf too has had a decent verbal belting. It all comes down to personal preference really. Some sports interest people, others do nothing for them.

For me, I find the concept of racing things for a long length of time to be an especially painstaking experience. This perhaps explains my aversion to most forms of motor racing. Its also explains why I find the Tour de France to be the Tour de Farce. While a past altercation between the Subaru and a cyclist has created a lasting dislike of most people who enjoy a numb arse and the feel of lycra between their cheeks, I will never understand why this sport gains so much media attention. It’s too slow and too bloody long. Yes I admire cyclist’s incredible endurance but other than that it really is a crap sport. Period.

However, just because it’s a boring sport doesn’t mean I can’t take an interest in it given the right conditions. Patriotism is one reason I get excited about sports I dislike. I was disappointed when Australian Jane Saville got disqualified in the 20 km walk during the 2000 Sydney Olympics. It’s walking for goodness sake! Boring as all hell and I don’t actually think it should be classed as a competitive sport. However, put an Aussie there and you’ll unmask the hypocrite in me.

Anyway, back to the car racing. Like all elite sports, there is definitely a huge amount of skill required to participate. Some people see this skill, appreciate it and are mesmerized through all 60 odd laps of the race. I for one do not. As the car’s wind their way through one boring bend after another, it just gets worse. They may be hitting the straights at over 300km/hr put I’m not feeling it. No, at this point in time I don’t care for the fact Michael Schumacher is going for his 7^th title or whatever, I want to see the bastard crash. While I’m not quite sick enough to wish death on anyone, I want to see that expensive and sophisticated piece of engineering that they are driving smashed to bits. I want to see wheels and pieces of the cars’s carbon fibre body flying in all directions. Flames are nice too. I like flames.

However, while I watch it for the crashes, I think this sport in general is getting more boring as the years continue. Each year there seems to be some sort of new technical regulation to both try and keep a level playing field and ensure racing safety. Many of these regulations affect how fast the cars can go. Yes, we could be seeing faster racing cars! Click here for a list of regulations introduced over the years. Now there certainly is something to be said for this idea of an even playing field so that it comes down to driver skill rather than a superior car. But this is Formula One, the pinnacle of car racing. They should be aiming for faster, better cars, not limiting what they can do. I agree on physical size limits of cars (you need to be able to pass someone) but power should never be restricted.

Even if the idea of a level playing field is one of the goals of this type of car racing, we all know that the reality is different. There is enormous variation between the teams. At one end of the scale you have notable car manufacturers such as Ferrari and Renault. Then at the other you’ve got a team funded by a bloody soft drink company. While Red Bull may not be short of a buck, its not enough to acquire the car engineering experience that the big boys have gained over the last 100 years or so.

Now this may seem quite sick, but the races seem to be far too safe in my opinion. In the good old days, when people really cared for this sport, people got killed. There was an element of risk associated with the driving that really made this an extreme sport. They were brave men going out to battle these sleek pieces of machinery and hopefully return alive and triumphant after the day’s racing. The cars were on the technological forefront, unpredictable and deadly. These days they may as well be racing bloody Volvos because the risk element is not there at all. Call it advances in safety technology or whatever but I put it down to lack of evolution in car design as a result of safety regulations. There is nothing new for the drivers to get used to.

If you are an F1 driver, I guess you’re pretty happy with these arrangements. However, quite frankly I don’t believe that the ridiculous salaries these drivers are paid constitute safety precautions at all. Michael Schumacher was earning something like US$80 million a year in 2004. Yes he was the best but the money is still pretty incredible for the worst of the drivers. Even our own dud, Aussie Mark Webber, gets something like US$7 million before sponsorship! With this kind of money doing the rounds I honestly believe it’s a sport which should be more oriented towards the fans. For me that means giving the fans what they want, faster cars and less restrictions. It would also probably give me what I want…spectacular crashes!

While some might say I’m a sick and twisted individual, I believe its just part of the risk that goes with participation in this sport. The late great Aryton Senna, who died after a high speed wall crash in 1994, was more than aware of the risks:

"One particular thing that Formula-1 can provide you, is that you know you're always exposed to danger. Danger of getting hurt, danger of dying. This is part of your life, and you either face it in a professional, in a cool manner, or you just drop it, just leave it and don't do it anymore really. And I happen to like too much what I do to just drop it, I can't drop it."

That’s a cool quote I reckon, especially in the context of F1 racing when he was around. While Senna’s was the most recent F1 death, history shows that racing deaths were a common occurrence during his career. In fact there were 45 deaths in F1 racing between 1950 and 1994, about 1 per year. Although things started getting much safer in the 80s, he was racing at a point in F1 history where safety was still pretty lax.

Just as a slight indicator of how piss poor safety was back in the old, old days of racing (we’re talking 1950s), car bodies contained magnesium alloy. Now most people who have ever entered a school science lab could tell you of this metal’s flammable properties. I remember burning heaps of the stuff back in the school days, all the while trying to avoid looking directly at the flame for fear of going blind. Anyways, here’s a rather unpleasant moment in racing history from Le Mans…

82 spectators and the driver were killed in this accident so a rather bleak day for racing. Any driver death is a bleak day in racing but I think it’s a good indication as to whether or not things are getting too stale.

So what’s the point of this long spiel on racing? If things are too safe, it’s becoming a stale sport. F1 should be allowed to evolve as it is supposed to be the pinnacle of racing. Full credit to engineers who work on these cars to make them what they are but they are being restricted by stupid regulations which are turning an extreme sport into one that is simply boring.

Anyway, here’s some nice crash videos for y’all.

Melbourne GP 2002. The first bend, the f1 layman’s bread and butter.

This one is better. Can't beat that Murray Walker commentary.

Martin Brundle crash from 1996. Rather fine effort and an example of where safety regulations are good.
This compilation of crash clips is pretty cool. Saves watching countless races to get the same result.
However this is rather sad incident. Ronnie Peterson's fatal crash.
This one is Roger Williamson's fatal accident. Could have been avoided if the crew had arrived quicker and had the right gear. These are examples from yesteryear when safety was just not adequate. The drivers should never be the first on the scene to an accident.

Other Stuff
How absolutely ridiculous is A Current Affairs' reporting on The Chaser's War on Everything? Since when does a rival television station promote another's show? For those who don't keep tabs on ACA for good reason, they had some poll a little while back on TV's funniest show or something with The Chaser the viewers number 1. Tonight there was a story about whether their jokes go too far. At the end of the report the show hadn't been rubbished and the presenter comments on how they are still so funny. Talk about trying to cash in on someone else's success!

Tickle Me Emo. Maybe you've seen it but here it is again! I like this too much not to share.

And on the racing theme, a major F1 tragedy, one of the worst I've seen!

'Til next time...

Das ist ein hund Herr Hitler. Ja, und das ist ein puppet.

2007-04-02T06:23:00.000-07:00

The last month or so has reaffirmed my opinion that dogs are the greatest animals that God has put on the planet. This got me started thinking about who the greatest dogs in history have been which then caused me to compile the list I have below. Unfortunately for you dog haters out there (apologies to muslim readers) this blog edition shall be almost entirely dedicated to these noble creatures. But don’t worry, there is some vaulting goodness contained within these canine infected sentences.

Oh righty then, I’ve seen that Bert Newton loves these countdown things so here’s me having a crack at it. While most of the offerings are from films, this is my list of the greatest dogs over the last 100 years or so.

Blondi
They say that dog is man’s best friend, and I think Blondi is a brilliant example of that. Despite being the pet of a man who tried to exterminate the Jewish race, Blondi was Hitler’s loyal sidekick throughout the war years. The scene in Downfall where Hitler kills Blondi by feeding her cyanide pills was the saddest moment in the movie. Yeah for some reason I found it sadder than when the Goebbels drugged and killed their kids while they were sleeping. I like German Shepherds so Blondi rates high on the list.

Hitler and Blondi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KC9XfcJFeOM
I like this video.

Charlie The Wonderdog

Tom Gleisner’s Labrador. No the most obedient dog and quite possibly had no talent at all. But Charlie the Wonderdog gave all dogs hope that one day they too could be the star of comedy sketch taking the piss out of a children’s show. Anyway here's a nice video from the Late Show. Enjoy.

Inspector Rex
Never watched an episode of Inspector Rex, but any dog that can keep a show running for that long must be a star. Again, Inspector Rex is a German Shepherd so it gets bonus points.

Banshee, Starflash, Trailblazer, Coco and Son of Coco
The greyhounds off The Castle. While this isn’t one dog, they have their place in what is quite possibly the greatest Australian film ever made. Couldn't find a picture, so watch the film!

Baxter
Baxter was a cool dog from Anchorman:The Legend of Ron Burgundy. Don’t know much about the actual dog but I liked the part he played in the film. The scenes with Burgundy and Baxter are brilliant.

Otis
Of The Adventures of Milo and Otis fame. The film was awesome when I watched it as a 5 or 6 year old. Can’t remember much of the plot but it made me laugh and I think things ended on a good note. According to the rumour mill, Otis was technically not a single dog, but a number of dogs. Apparently they went through a number of Otis’ during filming.

Lassie
When we think of great dogs there is one name that is synonymous to all. Lassie. No other canine in showbiz has done as much to bridge the gap between man and dog. I’ve never really watched a Lassie film right through but always loved seeing the Collie gracefully running through fields of long grass to go get help. While Charlie the Wonderdog may have made an amusing mockery of such moments, Lassie holds a place in my heart. Pretty much the dog we all want to have: noble, obedient, brave, affectionate and pleasant looking. However, Lassie is obviously not one dog as the films have been going since 1940, with a total of 9 Lassies used in the films. Yet there are some cool facts about these Lassies…from Wikipedia:

The first dog to play the role of Lassie was Pal. Before Pal's death, he was bred with a number of bitches, resulting in hundreds of offspring, Nine direct line descendants of Pal have performed as Lassie. All offspring not chosen to be the next Lassie were adopted with spay/neuter contracts. All 9 Lassies have been male, playing a female character. The female collie loses her coat at least once a year making it unsuitable for use year round. Also, the male is larger and a child actor can play opposite the dog for a longer period of time.

The Vault
Ok I promised vaulting goodness and here it is. He’s not a real dog and his character definitely doesn’t sound very dog like, but I thought I’d mention this first up because it is about the most excitement the week has thus far brought. In fact this reference goes back to my childhood, where the world of children’s television was far more sane, less pc, more British and just good fun. And it was on one particular show that I fell in love with one particular character. His name was Sweep. Ring any bells? Yeah it was The Sooty Show. For those who don’t remember it was a puppet show whose main characters included a silent yellow bear (Sooty), a talkative female panda (Soo), and an adorable, grayish coloured dog with black ears and a red nose (Sweep). Why it was called the Sooty show I don’t know as Sweep was the star. He communicated by way of squeaks which the characters such as Soo and the human actors would then basically translate for the audience. Very funny. Sweep’s roles were always very slapstick and the communication dynamic was just brilliant. Here are some clips from the show, they still bring me laughs.

Sweep the Superdog

Cowboys and Indians

The show started in the 1950s and holds the record for longest running kids show or something, so that is pretty impressive. Apparently its still going although from what I’ve seen on youtube, it looks slightly more retarded. Matthew Corbett years were the pinnacle, me thinks.

Ok so moving on from the dog theme. Bright Eyes. The new album, Casadaga, is on its way from America in readiness for my warm embrace hopefully later this week. Needless to say I am very excited. Anyway, this is the first single taken from the album. Its called Four Winds and I reckon its awesome. Some brilliant violin although the music video doesn't do it justice. The intro is longer and cooler on the album. The video is pretty nice with the heckling theme. Maybe you dudes would feel the same and want to verbally abuse and throw rubbish at Conor Oberst but I call it blasphemy.

Till later mein freunden.

Car windows and lumps of wood don’t mix.

2007-03-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

Well its late at night and I’ve just spent the last few hours dealing with the mess as seen in the picture below.

I was very disappointed to be notified after growth group that the Subaru had been the victim of a vicious beating with a block of firewood. My initial reaction was to place the blame upon Kingston’s bogan youths with nothing better to do. So my initial cursing was also toward that direction. However, my esteemed colleagues new better and noted that the there was a dent in the frame around the window. I think the picture shows said dent. Hence, it was unlikely that someone would purposefully hit it at that point. If you want to smash a window, you’d probably hit it in the middle, seems to make more sense. The constable that turned up two hours later also agreed, and disliked my other theory that the lack of hand-eye coordination could have been the result of the block of wood’s association with an inebriated individual. Apparently drunk people have better things to do. Considering my car was parked near one of those little traffic islands on Redwood Road, it now appears more likely the block of wood became dislodged from a swerving trucking.

However, I’m not one for the simple answer and I can see a conspiracy within this seemingly normal incident. Yes, if ever there was a reason to stop logging, its staring us in the face right at this point in time. Read my earlier post on Kingston’s logging shame for more details. The trees have decided if they’re going down, they’re taking us with them. Such was this trees hatred for mankind it leapt from the back of a truck and struck my rear window, sending glass crystals hurtling towards the bitumen. Imagine if that had been a child? If trees can inflict this kind of damage on an innocent Subaru station wagon where will it end?

Anyway, the block of wood in question has been taken into custody for forensic testing to ensure it didn’t come from one of Kingston’s notorious bogan youths. Apparently forensics have the DNA of a good number of the little troublemakers. I’m hoping the police will not go for the easy solution and book that block of wood for the damage its caused. I think a charge of grievous bodily harm seems fair. My poor Subaru! It’s the second time she’s copped a king-hit behind play in less that a year!

There aint no food like Asian food.

2007-03-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

Its true. Asian cooking is great. They know how to give food flavour. While I can really only comment on food from about four different Asian countries, I can imagine its good across the continent. I had Indian food tonight and damn it if its not some of the tastiest food I can think of. The origins of modern Indian food go back to Jacob and Esau. You know the bit where Esau sells his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of red stew? Well I reckon it was butter chicken. If it was then Esau wasn’t so stupid after all, I could of traded the birthright for some of that as well. Yes Indian food is terrific stuff. Its got awesome flavour, contains lots of meat, and looks like someone’s bowels have already had a go at digesting it. I’m thinking of your normal Indian takeaway stuff, not sure how authentic it is, I’m guessing they take a fair bit of the pang out of it to appeal to the Australian palate. The Beef Vindaloo is a bit hot for my liking but is a good if you want your dinner to feel like a challenge and you are prepared to risk a burnt anus.

Indonesian food is awesome as well. Noodles and fried rice are even typical breakfast fare which is a nice mix up from cereal and toast. Indonesians too are heavy handed with the spice weasel and there’s a fair bit of chilli going on in some of the cooking. There’s also a lot of msg as well which is excellent for the health. “Tanpa moto” is what you’d say to the cook to avoid the stuff but I reckon they put it in anyway. I think the best thing about Indonesian food is the fact that there are so many street vendors selling a wide variety of edible goodies.

It also has some food which is absolute crap such as tofu and this shaved beef thing that was exceptionally weird. It was kind of like fairy floss but beef and a little bit thicker. I think it’s a special occasion’s food as the only time I had it was at birthday party. I ate some, asked what it was cos it was so unusual and they thought I wanted more. I made my way through it but damn it was a struggle.

Yeah, I reckon I could do a food tour of Indonesia and just go visiting the various warungs on the streets. Its so cheap, about 50c to a $1 per meal. Oh how I miss my sate kambing! That’s basically sated goat meat on skewers with lots of sauce on a bed of rice. Very tasty. I think that was the last meal I had in Jogja before I left.

Unlucky Jogja.

Speaking of Jogjakarta, it has to be one of the unluckiest cities in the last few years. As many of you would have read in the news, there was a plane crash which has killed a fair number of people. Here are a couple of plane related videos from Jogja. Firstly this one is a video I took from a Garuda flight as we took off from Jogjakarta on the way back to Bali back in 2005. Pretty boring but I guess it gives you a bit of context as to the surrounds of the airport.

Secondly this is one from the crash. You don’t see much change until about half way through the film when stuff starts exploding in the plane.

Anyway, the last year has been pretty crap for Jogjakarta. The volcano I climbed, Mt Merapi, had a few fairly minor eruptions mid last year. It’s funny to think that the mountain could have cracked the shits anytime during my visit despite the fact it felt really safe at the time. The volcano didn’t cause too many problems but it was the earthquakes during that period which did the most damage. Jogja is far from being an architect’s dream. In fact most of the buildings are shoddy as all hell. When you combine that with being close to the edge of a fairly temperamental tectonic plate, you’re just waiting for a disaster. Heck, part of the reason Hinduism shifted from Java to Bali is thanks to an earthquake which trashed their massive temple complex. So, unfortunately, Jogja copped it pretty bad last year when an earthquake of 6.3 magnitude struck, killing more than 6000 people.

Lassie

Quite possibly one of the noblest dogs to have lived.

Sporting News.

Based on what transpired today, Tasmania is almost assured of playing the Pura Cup final on home turf. The NSW Blues really copped a first innings hiding in being bowled out for 53. While miracles can happen and NSW are looking far better in their second innings (2/149), I think it is far more likely that I will be missing Professional Studies classes in order to watch the first day of the final.

The Vault

Year 9 was a wierd one, but it did produce some pretty cool music such as this track by The Offspring - Pretty Fly For A White Guy. Meanwhile, Grinspoon were around smashing the 2 minute barrier with this little gem - Just Ace. And then there were cool bands like Weezer. El Scorcho is the track and its an absolute pearler. Finally, Tool were producing some of their finest work. Dodgy lyrics but a cool track nonetheless. This ones Stinkfist, I think most of the above music was from around then, most of the tracks bring back pleasant memories of driving to fishing locations with my bro and cuz. Good times.

Well thats most bases covered, fishing report will have to wait till the camera is returned. Didn't catch much anyway.

Fat Lance, his dumb sibling, and a culture of stupidity.

2007-03-05T02:36:00.000-08:00

Another week and another story of off field trouble for an AFL footballer. This time its Lance Whitnall and his family feud. Yeah the story goes something like Lance’s wife not going to their nephews birthday party and then not inviting his brother’s family to a trip to the zoo. The situation worsened, there were abusive phone calls and text message exchanges which escalated to the point where Fat Lance allegedly sent this beauty:

“You just shut the fuck up. Or I’ll get someone to shut u up for good. U thilthy slut. When I’m finished with u the only place you will be going is the morgue in a body bag”

Ooo, I like Lance’s respelling of the word “filthy” to “thilthy”. Very bogan. A bit like the unfortunate transformation of names such as “Taylor” to Tay-lah” and “Shane” to “Cheyne”. Kudos to the suburbs. However, I wont criticise Lance too much on his grammar seeing as I didn’t know he could read, let alone send death threats via wireless communication devices. The big fella continues to surprise me.

So, what is the moral of the story? Maybe that good family relationships are not always easy to maintain? Gee, I’m glad I ended up going to my niece’s 1^st birthday or all hell may have broken loose. Either that or the Whitnall family feud can be understood by the term “fiery redheads”. Perhaps we could just label it bogan feuding.

Yeah, the truth is that footballers don’t often come from fabulous backgrounds. Perhaps the Whitnall’s were a harmonious and normal family while Lance and his brother were growing up. However, my seven years playing aussie rules has shown me that football can provide an environment for alcohol and drug abuse and just general loutish behaviour. Being a sport with heavy contact, it’s a game that attracts its fair share of hot-blooded dickheads as well. That combined with the fact that good players get big heads from being told how awesome they are along the way, by the time draft camp comes, you have some pretty big tools in the system. With recruiters looking for footballing talent as a priority over character, the negative vices that players take away from their old footy clubs can soon rear their ugly heads in the public spotlight. Having shite-loads of money doesn’t help the situation either. Of course, in the end we are all flawed so it really should come as no surprise to see a few footballers’ public follies in the news.

However, reading about players’ off field mistakes can sometimes provide as much enjoyment as following my team, Richmond. Here’s my A-List or Top 3 for footballer stupidity over the last few years:

1. Ben Cousins, the Eagles captain at the time, is driving, sees a booze bus, pulls over to the side of the road before cops flag him down and runs away, leaving his car with his girlfriend and mates inside. Loses Eagles captaincy but keeps licence. Maybe not so dumb?

2. Laurence Angwin, the Carlton ruckman who lost his contract at just 21 years of age. Yep, Angwin had a brief run with the Blues and his career indiscretion highlights included theft from teammate Karl Norman’s house and testing positive to ecstasy (along with Norman who he stole from?) That last one saw his contract torn up.

3. Wayne Carey, definitely the dumbest of the bunch. Cheating on his wife with the wife of best mate and Kangaroos teammate Anthony Stevens. If he was going to have an extramarital affair he could have thought about it a bit better. Hooking up with her in some room at a party where everyone was is just looking for trouble. Ok, so perhaps that was the thrill but seriously that is some dumb shit. Reads like some trashy novel. Besides, Carey's wife was a looker. Not like she was some bogan he impregnated one night in a drunken act of lust as a young footballing lout. Funnily enough, Stevens later sued Carey for an earlier “forgotten” incident where a pane of glass fell from a window at Carey’s restaurant, slashed his neck open, and nearly killed him. I think that was a good indication they were no longer mates.

However, there is redemption for sports stars who do stupid things. “Punter Ponting punched a pack of pickled patrons”. Anyone remember this? It was the text from a banner I remember reading at the Australia v Sri Lanka ODI in Hobart in 1999. Yeah it was a sad day as Tasmanians turned out in droves to see Mowbray’s finest only to find out he had been suspended. The young Ricky Ponting got involved in a drunken fight at Kings Cross and if memory serves me correctly, copped a shiner as a result. But look where he is now? Captaining Australia!

Despite media highlighting of AFL player indiscretions, 2007 will no doubt be another year of incredible acts of public stupidity. So, here is my player to watch.

He comes from a culture of off field retards, shows on field signs of being a cocky little dickhead, and looks like a cross between bogan and metrosexual jock. Despite that he is a damn fine footy player but so to is Ben Cousins. Yes, the player on my idiot radar this year is none other than Adam Hunter. I expect him to feature in the news at some point this year for making an off field fool of himself. Actually, perhaps I should replace “expect” with “hope”. Couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke.

Good News
And, in good news, Tassie is through to the Pura Cup final! The only thing to be decided is where it will be played, but it is looking likely that it will be at the heart of Australian cricket, Bellerive Oval. So long as they don't lose outright against NSW in their next game, the hill will come alive for five days of cricketing final. Go Tassie!

Apologies for the overtly sporting theme of this post, the next shall contain music videos from the vault, fishing adventures, pictures of lassie and traces of narcotics.

Capitalist Pigs Destroy Kingston’s Old Growth Forests

2007-02-28T06:41:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the title is definitely over the top and nothing short of a lie but it sort of sums up how I feel about the tree felling operations round my place recently. When we moved to our current house about four years ago, our block backed on to some quite nice bush. I would look out my bedroom window and often see kookaburras and cockatoos sitting in the trees. At night time the trees would come alive with the sounds of possums scurrying and screeching amongst the branches. Even bandicoots and the odd wallaby made appearances, albeit at ground level. Yes, the bush facilitated a fairly abundant wildlife population while providing a pleasant backdrop which gave our house a less suburban feel than one might otherwise experience living in central Kingston.

However, the last couple of years have seen these pleasant natural surroundings give way to the next phase of subdivsional development. The nice old gum tree whence my lovely kookaburra was perched soon became the fodder for a towering inferno following a couple of months of solid tree felling action. As compensation I now have two houses along the back fence, meaning the joy of not having to close curtains will definitely soon be lost.

Yeah, I feel a bit cheated that the greenies spent the past week trying to stop logging in the Weld Valley when the “real” issue was right here in Kingston. I mean what is old growth forest anyway? I reckon those trees have been there a hundred years or so, that’s old in my book, older than me anyway. And they convert CO2 to Oxygen like any other good tree does. So why is it OK to kill Rob’s trees! Answer me you damn greenies! If this was a plot in the OC, Summer Roberts and that hippy Che would definitely have staged a protest. Yet here in Kingston not one tree was hugged, hence they died a lonely death. Our greenies have no balls. But oh well, the reality is my bush over the back fence was not the Tarkine, the Styx or any other “significant” piece of forest, but it was pretty cool while it lasted.

The Kingston "forest" tragedy and not one hemp wearing, pot smoking hippy in sight. Apologies to the many greenies who don't fit that description.

Sports
Anyway, enough sooky, greeny, emo, hippy crap and on to what real men do, ie talk sports. With the lack of interesting news in the sporting world and Australia's hopes for the cricket World Cup to depressing to discuss, I turn the spotlight on myself. This week saw yours truly play soccer, or as the title of the late Johnny Warren’s autobiography, the game for “Sheilas, Wogs and Poofters”. We played at Welsley Park, a ground that at first glance appears to have more undulation than the North West Bay golf course. However, it seemed to level out far better when I was standing on the pitch and actually looked relatively flat. Despite the grounds lack of aesthetic appeal, it did provide for some good soccer action. 2-2 was the score at the end of the game (eventually won by us on penalties) with a goal and yellow card to my name. Bloody handball. Twas fun times, perhaps not quite as much fun as playing footy but I am in no pain so I’m happy for that.

Other Stuff
Sampled the 2^nd brew to come off the home brew production line.
This one was a Coopers Pale Ale and was mighty fine. Pretty smooth tasting beer. I reckon this home brew stuff produces some high quality beverage if done right. At 30c a bottle it’s a cheap way to get….ah, I mean its much cheaper than buying beer from the bottle-o. My only complaint with home brewing is effort. It may be cheap but it requires motivation, something which I am lacking as the thought of another year of mind numbing uni weakens my resolve. Despite that, I should start the 3^rd yeast shortly. Need to create a stockpile for winter.

Youtube
This week it really is slim pickings from youtube. Didn’t really find much of interest in the music video scene. Because I am going to see the Vines when they are down here for the Southern Roots Festival, I’ll try this music video of Get Free. And, seeing as I have respect for bands that write good songs that only last two minutes, heres the clip for Blur – Song 2. Plus, this is a cool song from The Cure’s Disintegration album, its called Lullaby. Robert Smith is one freaky bastard. But there’s more, Bright Eyes on Leno playing When The President Talks To God. Heck yes, lets get political! Yeah this song is kind of retarded and yet I like it. Maybe just for the way Oberst says “muslim”.

Belt the mofo and it’ll come good.

2007-02-21T01:39:00.000-08:00

Yo negros, WASPS and creole peeps. Welcome to the blog for another edition. So, what does this weeks title have to do with anything? Well its basically the advice I got for how to fix my video camera. Yes, I have had some painful experiences with the little bastard over the last few months to the point where I decided to seek answers from the web. A few belts later and I think its back into some sort of order. Here I was thinking it was going to need some expensive service from some genius technician but no! Turns out technology really hasn’t come that far. Just like the master gave a slave a good belting in the old days to get him back in line, the same can be said for the Sony DCR-TRV6E.
Read the intriguing online dialogue concerning this technical dilemma here!

Anyways, other than belting expensive video capture devices, the week has yielded very little. Besides a bit of work and late night doctrinal binges from everything from Calvinism to Arminianism I really haven’t done much else (might report on that one another time). However, I’ve also been hitting the youtube again and found some more gold.
It was the year 1988 and rap music was really starting to make an impression in the ghettos. I think. Anyways, the Beastie Boys were starting to make it big, well big enough to have the piss taken out of them. And that’s exactly what the clip below is about. Morris Minor and The Majors were the band and the song is called the Stutter Rap

I think this was a pretty good effort. The song is catchy as hell. I remember first listening to it in the early 90s. I know that for a fact because although the song was released in 1988, my first recollections of the song are of me listening to it with the kids that lived across the street. Considering my family’s shift to Kingston was a post 80s move, it makes sense. So the song made a successful journey to the 90s. I remember having the song on tape and then losing it somewhere in the mid 90s and then randomly remembering verses of the song all the way up until about 2005 when I downloaded it. Now I have the video clip as well so I am sharing it with the world.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, Morris Minor and the Majors didn’t have much success with their music after that despite the fact the Stutter Rap reached no 1 on the Australian charts. It’s a hard song to top anyway.

Oh yeah, I did do one other thing this week. As I was mucking around with the above mentioned camera issue, I did manage to put together a little clip for you all to see. Twas a cold winters day and me and Jez were boarding the snow-caked Field. Anyways, we built a sketchy kicker, and I decided to hit it full tilt. The result was a couple of bone jarring stacks that would make a crash dummy feel sick to the stomach. Enjoy.

Till the world spineth on its axis a well good number of times, adios amigos!

The scores still 5-0, we don’t really care for the one dayers.

2007-02-15T21:38:00.000-08:00

Yes a most unfortunate event happened on Sunday night, that being Australia’s loss to England in the 2nd (and final) one day cricket final. I cursed from my chair as I watched Australia lose quick wickets, my anger becoming more heated when the duckworth lewis system made the chase all that much harder. Bloody rain. And when I saw Flintoff do his arrogant little wicket taking nod of the head, my blood just about boiled. But then I remembered hey, its only the one dayers, what do we care. We beat those snobby, MBE wearing English pricks 5-0 when it really mattered. So Freddy Flintoff, next time you’re snuggled in bed dreaming of world cup glory, I hope the nightmare that was the test whitewash hits and removes every ounce of arrogance you’ve taken away from this little “victory”!
Not that arrogance is a bad thing in the sporting arena I just don’t like it when its displayed by teams or sportspeople I hate. For example, England. Another example would be Jason Akermanis kicking an arsey goal off the boundary against my team, Richmond. Him doing the same thing against Collingwood in a grand final would make me a very happy man and I would probably label him a classy genius. Weird how it works but it does.
Anyway, Australia’s World Cup hopes are pretty much stuffed with Symonds out injured, I think its unlikely he’ll return but stranger things have happened. I think I would take the Ashes win over the world cup, but the whole world cup aspect to cricket is really cool. If there was a test cricket world cup that would be some interesting stuff.

Fishing Report:
Well the One Fly comp was held up at Bronte Lagoon last weekend and it was indeed a win for this fishing guru and his team of amateurs. Ok, so my brother out fished me on the last day but I still swear I was the backbone of our team's success. The basic concept of the comp is that there are four sessions (of about 2 or 3 hours fishing each) with the angler to allocate one fly to use per session. So you can’t change flies during the session. Lose the fly and that’s the session over. It makes for interesting fishing. Fish get a certain amount of points based on length. The longer the fish the better, weight is irrelevant.
The fishing was slow for most but the four of us were lucky enough to drag our flies past a few trouts’ noses and entertain a response. I ended up bringing in 3 fish during competition which wasn’t too bad considering a few whole teams blanked for the weekend. I think the easterly weather turned them off the bite. Anyways, I have a nice bottle of Lark Distillery’s Single Malt Scotch Whiskey as prize which I hope to enjoy soon.

Yours truly with a nice bow caught during the final session of competition

A swag full of well conditioned specimens minus the swag

Music: Enough sport, now for some music. Done some youtubing again this week. Found an awesome Bright Eyes clip from the Late Late Show. They are playing a song called Road To Joy. Okay, so not to everyone’s taste but the end is classic. Oberst looks like such a wiener doing the rockstar thing at the end of the song, maybe cos no other band members joined in. Classic. Then there’s the interview with the host at the end. He looks extremely insecure. I don’t think interviews are his thing although the host needs to shut up a little and just listen. He reminds me of Rove.
Another awesome clip is Jeff Buckley’s Forget Her. Brilliant. This song is off the newer versions of Grace, apparently didn’t make the original cut due to it being a little to true for Jeff at the time (or something like that). Anyway it’s a great song (Buckley’ best imo) and the clip is pretty cool. If this blog lasts till his birthday or the anniversary of his death or something (and I remember), I want to do some sort of tribute. The guy was a freakin genius. Musicly that is, obviously not a strong swimmer. Oh Jeff, if only you wore your floaties that night.

Random stuff: Boony and Beefy dolls have been talking again. Beefy just keeps talking about Freddie Flintoff. I think I may have got the Gay Beefy rather than the straight one. Forgot to ask when I was at the bottle-o. Boony on the other hand is real romantic. On Valentine’s day he said something like “I love VB. Happy Valentine’s Day”. They’re an interesting concept these dolls. I think their main objective is to subconsciously advertise beer. If you got them early on in the cricket season, when you had to buy two cartons to get them, you could well be hooked on VB now, or at least thought more of it than before. Being forced, or encouraged to drink two cartons of the stuff to get the dolls means a whole new generation of drinkers are being coerced into drinking VB. I would estimate that by the middle of the test series you’re probably over the taste aspect or at least thinking its more than bottled urine. Even if that theory is no good, I think they just do a nice job of reminding punters that they need a beer, even when they really don’t. Mine talk at random moments during the day, saying stuff like “Blimey its hot, time for a VB”. This has encouraged me on a number of occasions to crack open a frothy and I’ve only had the things for a bit over a week. I must be an advertisers dream. While I don’t generally associate my beer drinking with VB, I do on occasions purchase other CUB beers. So it’s a win for the beer companies.

“If I could get off this and walk I’d go to the pub” – Boony
“Cast in plastic and sent to Australia. I’m a modern day convict.” - Beefy

Till I’m bored again, sampai jumpa.

Check one, two, check. Is this thing on? Oh yeah were live!

2007-02-06T16:32:00.000-08:00

"I've been around this wide brown land, Seen a thing or two. From the Great Outback, to the Beaten Track, Gonna share it now with you."

No one says it better than Russell Coight so I thought I’d just quote him in introducing my blog. Having read a few friends blogs over these holidays it has become obvious that blogging is the in thing at the moment. So being the hip and cool young man I am, I decided to join in on this 21st century craze and give you a little glimpse into my world. I dunno how regularly I’ll do this, it could just be a passing holiday phase, it could turn into a regular event. We’ll wait and see.

Well yesterday I experienced pretty much what I would consider to be the greatest day of my working life. Work was an absolute pleasure, partly because these holidays are just getting more boring as the weeks roll on. That means that something outside of the ordinary (ordinary being sitting at home doing pretty much nothing) is a welcome relief, even if that something involves work.
However, what made it the greatest work day in history was due to my use of the tape player in the ute. I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks now and finally dug out an old tape and copied my Bright Eyes’ I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning cd onto it. So, considering that pretty much 75% of the time I work I am driving, it meant that most of the day was just one big sing-along. If you view it a little differently I guess you could say I got paid to sing for about 4 hours . Sweet!
Because I made said tape very quickly it meant that there was still some old stuff on the other side. That tape I think was some weird mix of love songs from the vault but it did contain some gold. The first song on side B was “Tonight I Celebrate My Love” which is a love song duet by Roberta Flack & Peabo Bryson back from 1983 (The year of my conception. hmm…). Pretty much everyone knows this song, its old school but enough of a classic to be recognisable. Check out the music video here. So okay, to put it in Australian layman’s terms it’s a song about two people rooting, but its actually romantic and the music and vocals are well appropriate. Considering this was sung in a duet I wonder whether Roberta and Peabo actually had something going on in real life….. I reckon it would feel pretty weird singing this song in duet with a complete stranger considering the lyrical content. They look pretty happy in the video.
Anyway, while soppy love songs are not my thing, I think this one was really well done.

Now in other music news, thanks to a recent visit to a friends place, my ipod has been updated with a a vast array of obscure American Indie bands. Through the listening process, I came across a band called Tilly and the Wall. Anyways, I liked a little bit of their stuff, decided to check them out a bit more and found out their percussion is actually tap dancing! Pretty cool me thinks, certainly different. You can check them out with this video of them on Letterman. Pioneering stuff. Dunno if it will catch on but at least it shows ingenuity.

Other News: Finally bought a talking Boony doll on Monday, have wanted one since they came out last summer. I even endured half a carton of VB only to later find out that they had run out of figurines. These I bought from BWS, they take pride of place above my television. They do talk crap though, and its hardly related to the cricket. They also talk when the cricket isn’t on which is a bit weird. I hope they are fun during the finals.

In bad news, Richmond midfielder Mark Coughlan did his knee again. That’ll be two knee reconstructions in less than a year. That sucks. I hope he can come back from this but it will be especially tough. Funnily enough, he did it in the shower rather than on the footy field. Who would have thought taking a shower could be so dangerous?

Some fun: I was reading this thing on news.com.au about stars and their phobias. Here's just two of them.

Kelly Osbourne has a fear of people touching her. I think I could have a phobia of her touching me.

Aretha Franklin’s phobia is aviophobia (a fear of flying). I think this picture makes it pretty clear that she sure as hell doesn’t fear the consequences of overeating.

Random stuff:
I don’t like it how Ford are trying to cash in further with Tonk a Kiwi, its shit. Tonking Poms is far more pleasing. Play the game here. Its pretty boring after a few gos. I persisted and made 997 with the tonk a pom version but its not worth it. The tonk a kiwi version can get you a higher score but again, a waste of time.

Found this story this morning. Friendly fire, this must have sucked for the pilot.

Cheerio, captain.